Irrelevantly, I just spilled a full cup of hot peppermint tea down my leg. Ouch. And now my new jeans are all wet.
And now on to the real point of this post: someone calling themselves "Muffy" has written a spoof article about Harry Potter for my uni newspaper. See under the cut.
Excited children eagerly awaiting the fifth Harry Potter novel may be sorely disappointed, thanks to a review by censors who deemed Harry Potter and The Battle-Worn Beaver to be "disturbing, sordid and heavily explicit."
According to one reviewer, the forthcoming adventure of the bespectacled boy hero have moved away from the realms of magic, and delve instead into the fiercely turbulent world of puberty, angst, and homo-eroticism, a theme which has been dealt with in a "very detailed manner." When questioned by the bodger about the overtly sexual nature of the book, especially considering its young readership, J K Rowling stated that Harry Potter is "more than a fictional character; he is a role model for a generation."
The former villains of the series have been replaced by "more relevant threats" which appear in the form of magical hallucinogenic substances which, when taken, result in compromising situations, overdoses, and in one case, an embarrassing scenario involving Headmaster Dumbledore and a number of house elves. Such issues, she argues, are "of considerable more intrigue... after all, that got your interest, didn't it?"
Hopes for a larger shift in sales are likely to be quashed unless one particular chapter is cut, or at least severely edited, after a number of readers complained of distressing nightmares. The chapter containing two key characters alone in the astronomy tower, is said to be "too graphic for many adults, let alone small children." However, as sales in Potter merchandise continue to rise, there is speculation that the book will be published regardless. Around a quarter of the country's income is reported to depend on the book's revenue, even more than cigarettes or alcohol. A government spokesperson assured that the matter would be dealt with in "as adult a way as possible", from which it must be deduced that the book will be published despite the damning psychological effect it may have on children and those with a sensitive disposition.
Sounds to me like someone's pretty well-versed in certain areas of fanon. *looks around suspiciously* Any of you got something to tell me?